Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
