just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
