just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
