Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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