Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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