so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
