I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
