I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
