apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
last night I used snow as a chaser
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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