she woke up with a sticky ear
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
