I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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