My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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