eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
