I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
