U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
