wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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