my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
