I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
stop calling my apartment porn island.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
