so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
