glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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