I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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