That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
