Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
