my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
