Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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