You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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