just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just want nice things and good sex
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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