The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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