worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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