If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
