you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
