I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
