I hate your face
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
