my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
