My liver just broke up with me...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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