Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
