Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
