My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
