im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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