Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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