Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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