apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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