Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
