I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Man, jail baloney is awful.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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