I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
