I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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