yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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