Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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