i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
