Princesses don't give blow jobs
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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