Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize