fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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