saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
