Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
