I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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