mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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