The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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