so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
