I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
