If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
