I got chris browned last night
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
